Twenty Twelve

I would like to take a moment to reflect on the past year. It’s been a particular wild one for me.

We experienced a lot of medical drama in the first half of the year.
The last half was a wild race from one event to the next. From Renaissance Faire to military events to Halloween to our (still here omg) Xmas houseguests.
It feels like it’s been a very long year but also, paradoxically, feels like it was just 2011.

I took on roles in our FRG, which I enjoy and find fulfilling, but also do add responsibilities and stress. I also started doing SEO writing, which has been enjoyable but also incredibly frustrating.

Because of all the stuff that’s been going on, we spent pretty much all of the year “behind” on chores. Mail opened but not filed. Suitcase from Faire has yet to be unpacked. We spent *literally* an entire week cleaning and organizing, before the holidays. It felt so good to dig out and be able to start the year fresh. (More trash and clutter has occurred due to guests, sadly.)

I fell woefully short of many personal goals this year. I feel rather dissatisfied with the year in general for that. I have written (for pleasure) rarely or not at all. My blogging has been neglected. My etsy shop… ugh. So discouraging.

My overwhelming feeling for the year is that time was wasted. Always wasted. Where does it go, how can I get it back. I don’t make resolutions but if I did, it would be to stop wasting time.

Among my feelings of disappointment, I have three specific bright points I want to mention.

One: I have been honored and privileged to be part of a close group of friends this year. We are a diverse bunch, but it is utterly beautiful to me to see us together. For the first time in my life, I feel honestly loved and accepted unconditionally by the people who I call “friend.” I’ve been betrayed in the past, but I know that, without fail, they will always have my back.

Two: this will sound so frivolous after that last one, but I am so happy to report that I kicked the habit of nail biting. I now have strong beautiful fingernails, and that’s another thing I never thought I would have. They are a source of confidence to me, as well as a reminder that I can be the master of my own anxieties and compulsions.

Three: quite out of the blue this summer, I received a phone call from a long-estranged cousin. She is close to my age (she is the older), and married a military man as well. But throughout our youth, we fought and disliked each other. Our last meeting, over 5 years ago, nearly resulted in a physical fight over a silly casual remark. We were both at fault for this. She has been making changes in her life, and found herself regretting our relationship and called me. That must have been incredibly difficult, but I am so glad she did. We have fully reconciled. I’ve never before had the experience of literally wiping the slate clean and starting fresh. It isn’t easy, and certainly could not be done until time has healed wounds. But, oh my gosh, I feel so immensely happy that she picked up the phone and that we both had it in our hearts to forgive and forget. We are still learning who each other are and what we have in common, and learning to trust each other, but its been so nice to take this path together. Few people in this life ever get the chance to rebuild a burned bridge, especially when both parties are still young. She and I may have wasted two decades of friendship, but we have many more ahead of us.

Overall, even with all the disappointment and discontentment I feel for this past year, I still feel that it has been a good one. I come into 2013 much richer in friendship and maybe even with a small store of self confidence, and those are worth more to me than all the treasure in Erebor.

And now, I leave you with this sentiment. Make it so, indeed.

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